Regret opportunities because of anxiety?
I’ve been feeling like this for the last several weeks in particular but it’s been an on-again off-again feeling for me for years. It’s spring term my senior year of college and I think I’ve wasted most of it. I had an experience earlier in the term that was traumatic for me (I wasn’t assaulted, no death in the family or anything like that, just a very weird set of circumstances in a situation, I was put in, that made me extremely uncomfortable and anxious). It fucked me up a lot, and brought back a lot of the worst parts of my anxiety.
I was so anxious, I missed countless hours of work, class, social events, etc. I spent nearly every day wasting time and being upset, taking baths for 3+ hours while browsing Reddit. This caused sleeping until 1 or 2 in the afternoon, staying up until 4 or 5 a.m. for no reason, eating like shit. I set my own work hours so my boss wasn’t upset with me for being gone, and I talked to the professors whose classes I missed. They said they understood. I was struggling in my personal life / mental health and they said my absences would not have any impact on my grade in the course. but I still feel awful.
I wanted this term to be my term – end of four years of hard work and sunny weather. It was also the lightest class load I’ve ever taken before, with lots of fun classes. I hate how often I flaked out on social / extracurricular events, because I just didn’t have the energy after a day of my anxiety exhausting me. The majority of class sessions in one of my classes – I missed. I at least wanted to come to the last class session this morning, after missing almost a straight month of class, but I couldn’t. This morning I forgot to refill my antidepressant prescription and kept waking up last night because of anxiety nightmares (a common withdrawal symptom for me). I’m not even mentioning, that I can barely function, when I’m feeling withdrawal symptoms from medication. So… I would have been in a hazy, anxious mental state, even if I had gone to class this morning. I still think I should have gone though, maybe I would feel a little less worthless today. Turning in work late irritates me, even if my professor in my other class has said it won’t impact my grade. A missed trip also occurred so I could go home and be with my parents on the weekend instead. I think this was ultimately better for everyone involved, but I still wish I had never had this massive anxiety attack in the first place. Then I could have gone and have done a lot of things.
Overall I am just sad and bitter that anxiety yet again threw a massive wrench in my plans, when I actually felt like my life was coming together.
I lost out on all opportunities to attend fun classes, to enjoy working the job that I love, to do fun things with friends, and to make the most of my last term in the extracurricular groups, on campus. If only anxiety hadn’t hindered me, before this massive anxiety attack. Throughout my time in college. it hasn’t all been bad, but it’s been so much worse than I was ever expecting.
What did I do to deserve this happening? This isn’t a fair or accurate way of thinking, but I still feel that way a lot. I wish I could just live a normal life and end my college years having fun like everyone else.
Logically none of this is fair, because wishing away a mental illness isn’t helpful, nor is wanting to change a past I can’t change. It’s still hard to remind myself of that, when I think without anxiety, most of the bad things in my life would never have happened.
I have a supportive family, therapy, and medication which helps, but nonetheless I still have a lot of self-hatred, bitterness and regret too. I know logically it won’t be like this forever, but remembering that is difficult in the moment. Yelling my frustrations into the digital void is my current preferred coping method, until I get my prescription refilled later this afternoon.
In any case, thanks for reading all this if you’ve made it this far, and thank you all for your willingness to be vulnerable and share your struggles as well.
Every single one of your posts makes me feel like I’m not alone in this fight, and that means more to me than i can express.
Love and healing to you all. <3